More Than Words

I have had a internal mantra lately that consists of lyrics from the Tenth Avenue North song "You Are More ." Whenever I have a quiet moment or when I feel overwhelmed it pops into my head; "It's not about what you've done, but what's been done for you. This is not about where you've been but what your brokenness brings you to." The first line references the grace of God offered through Jesus Christ and the second that our experiences are an essential part to bringing purpose to our life. It is pretty normal for me to have a song stuck in my head. What I am discovering is that the words usually reflect two things: whatever problem I am struggling with consciously and what is going on in my subconscious. 

Before I work through this, I want to remind everyone that I was not always a believer. My previous post, Oh......my God! tells the story of me finding my faith. Currently, I am struggling with a couple relationships and preparing for a group I will be leading this fall that will focus on finding meaning in catastrophic loss. These are the conscious struggles I am wrestling with daily. My mantra reminds me that I need to show compassion and patience instead of reacting with judgement and anger. This is so hard and I fail at it constantly. I allow my reactions to reflect the spite, bitterness and loneliness that I feel inside. Fortunately, I have a safety net that prevents my actions from destroying my spirit. 

Subconsciously, I think my mantra exposes acts of selfishness and disobedience. I know my past, my feelings and choices have not been perfect. I know I fail daily at answering the calls I receive and that I don't put my full trust in God. That is the beauty of Christianity. Regardless of my failures, God offers me forgiveness, grace, and eternity. He provides me with everything I need to have a full, rich life that fulfills His plan and purpose for my existence. For me, that is a humbling sentence. My life belongs to Him, not me, yet he still provides me with the choice to disobey Him and waits patiently for me to answer the call. Then He takes my failures and turns them into successes. 

If you are a non-believer or if you are having doubts about your faith, I want to ask a favor from you. Please read this with an open mind and more importantly with an open heart. There are times in everyone's life when they question why they are hurting, why there is injustice in the world, why life has to be so difficult and unfair. Your questions are valid and no one has all the answers, I sure the hell don't! Life is about living in search of those answers and listening to the hard truths that those answers provide. It's what your brokenness brings you to. God Bless 

Letting Go

What a terrific summer I experienced. I got to visit with my entire family. Mike and I took a vacation alone together. We celebrated Frank and Mike's high school graduation. I got to spend time with some amazing young men with Autism. I led a growth group, hung out at the beach a few times, went to Summerfest, endured the blazing heat of July, walked regularly with Mama Kreuser, took a visit to Marinette to see Sue Won and spent a lot of quality time with Mike. School is  back in session and my life is more structured. The structure sure looks different than it ever has  before. I am still driving special needs students. I work pretty much the same hours I did last year. I am working Saturday charters and going to GLC regularly. So what's changed?

The boys are now in college. Frank is studying at MSOE and living in Milwaukee. Mike is going to Carthage, but living at home. With school, cross country and work he is not home very often. So, do I have empty nest syndrome? Sure,  life is different! Am I laying in bed, too depressed to get up? Not a chance! 

Marriage, friendships, professional relationships and family change. My marriage is stronger than ever. I was angry with Mike for a long time. The process of getting over that bitterness took work. Shiela moved away and Phyllis and I have grown apart. My closest friends are Chris, Jane, and Angela. We may not talk every day, but they have my confidence. I have different monitors, schools and students than last year. Tara is working in dispatch, because our dispatcher was badly injured in a car accident. My boys gain more and more independence daily. Sure, it's weird not going to Mike's running meets or knowing what Frank is up to every day. In order to cope with missing them, I focus on the fact that they are maturing young men of great character and faith. That is exactly what their father and I raised them to be. That makes me extremely happy.