Ownership

Over the past few weeks I have been bombarded with this idea of ownership.....not physically owning an object, but accepting your role in a circumstance in which you find yourself. Everywhere I look I see people that make excuses and rationalize their behaviors. I catch myself doing this or worse, one of my guys or friends busts me out. 


The biggest example I have is my relationship with Mike. Over the years we have had many fights.  It took lots of couples therapy to learn the technique and even though we know how, it is still extremely difficult to put our emotions on hold and to listen to the other person and really care about their perspective. Too often we take it for granted that we love each other and that is going to be enough to get us through anything. Sometimes you need that other person to know that regardless of the love, what they did or said or how they said what they said was hurtful. This Christmas Eve I had to face that. I said something to Mike in such a nasty, mean tone that he got upset with me for the next two days. It almost wrecked our Christmas and even though I felt I had a good excuse and rationalization for what I said, it still hurt his feelings. In the end, we worked it out and our relationship grew stronger. This could not have happened if I continued to hold on to my excuses and rationale for what I said. I now have a reason, not an excuse. This is why I said, what I said. Regardless, I am sorry it hurt you and I will try to consider that in the future. Easy peasy lemon squeezy right? I wish. 


I see the opposite of ownership every day, defensiveness. I hear it on my bus, at home, at work and among my friends. I understand it is difficult to stop, take a look inward and take responsibility for your actions. Sometimes we are afraid of the consequences. Last year I drove my bus into the ditch. I was on a snow covered road and lost control when I tried to avoid an oncoming plow. The fact of the matter was that I was going too fast for conditions. When I talked to the safety person about it, I admitted that. I was afraid of the consequences. I considered blaming the plow entirely. Fortunately, I didn't lose any time or pay and just had a short discussion. I keep thinking that if I had not taken ownership in my part that it would have turned out differently. The result of my taking ownership not only possibly avoided some consequences but also taught me a lesson. Now I go slower on snow covered roads. Who knows how many times this is going to protect me in the future?


Another reason I think people avoid ownership is their necessity to be right. That was a huge obstacle for Mike and me when we were in therapy. Fortunately when we started caring about what the other person was thinking and feeling, we were able to overcome that necessity to be right and begin to compromise. Here's the thing about being right....you are only right from your own perspective. You may be able to find people that agree with your perspective, but in the end, what matters in a relationship is the ability to see and accept the other person's perspective. Letting go of your "self" is a difficult thing to do. However, once you begin to do that, you will be able to heal and eventually grow. 


Defensiveness is natural. I feel it a lot. Overcoming it is essential to leading a life with peace, purpose and happiness. I want to challenge my readers to look at one thing in their lives today where they are avoiding ownership and to start to see how they are responsible for their actions and circumstances. No excuses; no rationalizations; just a reason and a willingness to move forward with forgiveness....probably of yourself.