Less is More

The past couple weeks I have been concentrating on slowing down. I feel like life has been a whirlwind of activity, responsibility and excitement. I am not attempting to throw a pity party in any way. I take ownership for the choices I made and I wouldn't change a thing. Although those choices have caused stress and conflict within my relationships and within myself, I feel fulfilled and content. So why slow down? Good question. 

We are not built to go for a long period of time at that sort of daily grind. Eventually, enduring too much anxiety and stress drives us to exhaustion. Before the exhaustion, performance and efficiency decline. That's a dilemma for me. I found that in all that responsibility and activity, something had to give. I am not a machine, not perfect and not superwoman. I am a woman filled with many gifts, passion, ability, and most of all love. I love hard! This comes at a personal cost. In order to prevent that cost from damaging my relationships or myself, it's time to take a hard look at what I have left to give. 

Truth is, I have a lot to give. I am a planner and I spent a lot of last summer looking forward to this fall and preparing for it. I knew I was going to have to work, study for school, nourish my marriage and family, and fulfill my volunteer commitments. I spent a lot of time thinking about how to prioritize those components. Notwithstanding all the planning and contemplation, living out those circumstances was arduous. There were obstacles to overcome, unexpected detours and the road was bumpy. I kept telling myself over the summer that I was refilling my bucket and now I feel drained. 

It's the holiday season and that usually quickens life's pace a bit. My choice to choose this season to slow down might cause a few complications. Nevertheless, I am confident in my decision. Therefore, going forward, get ready to hear the word "no" come out of my mouth. I plan on making a conscious effort to limit myself to just a few commitments and not allow my proclivity to be a people pleaser to mess with my head. My hope is that rather than spreading myself around thinly, I will lay it on thick in the areas of involvement I retain. 

Included in this slow down will be to quiet down. I talk so much and so often that I am starting to get sick of the sound of my own voice. I am going to take some time to rest, refocus, refuel and listen for awhile. I have begun this process before writing this and so far it feels excellent, looks marvelous and sounds delightful.

The War Inside

In the past six months or so, I have been bombarded with attacks of entitlement, selfishness and judgement. Regardless of who I am speaking with, one of these subjects tends to show its face. People of the older generation speak of a younger generation that has been given a cushy life filled with technology. I hear over and over how kids don't have to learn skills such as writing and reading cursive, calculating without a calculator or simply earning privileges such as cell phones, vehicles and entertainment. It's true, my sons have not had to be educated in the ways that my generation has been educated. Just as my generation did not have to be educated in how to hook up a horse to a buggy or milk a cow or collect the eggs from the chicken coup. These changes are a circumstance of progress not entitlement. 

However, I will stand and say with a strong voice that entitlement is a problem for me. I caught myself struggling with it yesterday. I truly felt in my heart that I had the right to manipulate a situation to unjustly suit my needs. I failed in my attempt and guess what, I'm disappointed. Even though I see why it's not right for me to get my way, I still feel entitled to it. Recently, I had a conversation with a great giver. This person goes out of their way to serve others and works really hard to make things easier for the people in their life. They do it out of the goodness of their heart but still they expressed how unappreciated they feel sometimes. Why can't other people treat them the way they treat other people? I don't know that answer except to say that doing for others doesn't obligate them to do for us. 

This sense of entitlement could be labeled as selfishness. During our rough patches Mike and I each considered the other one to be selfish. The truth is we were! I didn't see the sacrifices he was making to improve a terrible situation. In turn, he didn't feel appreciated or respected. He wasn't able to admit that the choices he was making were prideful and therefore negatively affecting all of his relationships. I felt entitled to more than he could provide. Neither of us were willing to switch perspectives because we felt favored to win since we were each sacrificing in our own way. 

Only looking at a situation from your own perspective leads to judgement. I am extremely judgmental! It is really easy for me to look at someone and think I know everything about them. WRONG! I don't even know everything about those closest to me or myself.  How can I be so superficial that I don't give someone the benefit of the doubt and set aside my discrimination? I constantly battle feelings of bitterness and resentment caused by not keeping my opinions in check. 

Ways to combat entitlement, selfishness and judgement is the subject that I am hoping to address with this post. As I wrote earlier, this is something that I have been undertaking consciously for a while but subconsciously my entire life. I don't see a magic cure where one day I will be free of these feelings. I see myself as a work in progress with a step backward for every step or two I move forward. Taking that into consideration, my hope is to continue making progress and to help others think about how they feel about themselves in this area. 

We are all given our own unique talents, experiences and temperament therefore each of us is in our own place in our personal growth. Something that is easy for me to overcome may not be so easy for another person. Remembering to remain humble in my victories and to extend grace and forgiveness goes a long way to overcoming entitlement, selfishness and judgement. Humility reminds me that not that long ago I was a completely lost. I was addicted to a computer game, I was not interested in cultivating my marriage and I thought I was entitled to have as much fun as I wanted because I deserved it. PFFT! I deserved a big smack in the head. By taking the leap to make it a point to serve others, make my marriage a priority (I still have a long way to go in this area) and realizing that I could have fun within certain boundaries allowed me to kick my addiction, renew my marriage and begin putting my health above eating and drinking to excess. 

None of this would have been possible without God's help. My new life radiates through every aspect of my being. It is completely overwhelming at times and frightening to experience but I am happier than I have ever been. I believe that my life has purpose and that I am finally honorable. I have so much further to go and I plan on staying on this path to the end. Even though I am dedicated, I am constantly knocked off balance and I am forced to scramble to get back on my feet. I am blessed with an amazing community and a loving husband who help me each time I teeter. Without the truth that they speak into my life I would be back wandering aimlessly in no time. I am forever grateful for the platoon of warriors fighting along side me in spiritual warfare. Together we will win every last battle and the war. 

The Spirit Within

 This summer I spent time studying the books of Luke and Galatians. I have read those books before but had not studied them. I met periodically with a friend and we discussed our thoughts regarding the assigned chapters but mostly we talked about our lives. It helped me tremendously to hear another person's perspective. We decided before we started that the basis of our study would be "Who is Jesus?" More importantly, "Who is Jesus in us?" The complete answer to those questions did not get answered but I got a better understanding of both. 

I think of Jesus as the Messiah, the greatest healer and teacher of all time, the only perfect human to ever live, and God in the flesh. He was born a human, grew up learning traditions, learning scripture, felt human emotion, overcame temptation, faced persecution, he was killed despite his innocence, and rose again to fulfill a plan that began millennium before he was born. The people of the time thought he was there to lead a political revolution. He would be the new King of Israel, hence delivering the Jews from slavery. The metaphor that we take for granted was lost on them. The night before his arrest, Jesus warned them that he would be leaving soon. They insisted they would always stay by his side. They would die for the cause. They even drew swords to ward off his arrest, cutting off the ear of one of the soldiers sent to capture Jesus. The way Jesus reacted amazes me! He rebukes his followers to put down their swords and heals the wounded man. His disciples must have thought, "What?! I thought we were going to fight for our freedom." Jesus is taken and his followers scatter out of fear. Now Jesus is alone, about to be abused, ridiculed and put to death. So of course, he speaks a profound speech that will be remembered for generations, protesting his innocence and inspiring a great revolt. Wait, no, that is not what he did. He barely responds to the false accusations against him. He submits, takes the ridicule, and dies a vicious, horrible death. 

That human who lived that way and died in that manner, he is the spirit that lives in us. He has felt all the pain we have felt and worse. He faced temptation when he was hungry and overcame it. He felt anguish and fear. He sweat blood he was so anxious. Have you ever sweat blood? Moments later he was able to control his emotions and reacted in love to heal one of the men who were about to do unbelievable harm to him. That is the spirit within us. The one I try to connect to when I am facing difficulty. I continue to fail over and over but I am reassured that as long as I keep trying and put my faith in him, it isn't a waste. Galatians talks about the fruit of the spirit being love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. My hope is that spirit within will flourish and grow to a great harvest. 

Stand Firm

Do you ever feel like Sisyphus? In Greek mythology, he is condemned to push a rock up a hill, only to see it roll back to the bottom. It is a meaningless task. I have felt this way many times. I wonder if all the effort I put into ministering others is meaningless. My husband or children don't react to a situation the way I believe they should leading to disappointment. I show up to work feeling great, only to have a coworker or obstacle rain on my parade. Most Sundays, I leave my preschool class dripping with sweat. The growth groups I lead, occasionally have weeks of low attendance. Inevitably, I get discouraged. In my discouragement, I reconsider my commitment to these things. 

It is normal to have these attacks of discouragement. How we react to them is crucial. Imagine Sisyphus again...Zeus' wrath over his attempt to cheat death condemned him to his futility. What if he sees himself as a victim, refusing to take responsibility for his decision to try to cheat death? What if he stops, sits down and refuses to move the rock? I envision Zeus creating a situation where Sisyphus would long for the days of pushing the rock up the hill. Now, visualize Sisyphus reflecting on his circumstance and knowing that his efforts are not futile. He is given the knowledge that his story will be remembered for thousands of years. Would he have a smile on his face pushing the rock? After losing his grip, the rock rolls down to the bottom. He skips back down the hill, whistling a tune. Sisyphus is happy!

The problem is that Sisyphus may not know. We will not always be able to see the impact we have or in our discouragement, we might lose sight of it. One day last fall, my friend's mom died unexpectedly. I remember feeling like I just didn't want to have to deal with it. I recollect wanting to isolate myself. I recall wishing I didn't have the wisdom of how to counsel those in grief. I lost confidence in that ability and questioned my purpose. It was self destructive. Luckily, I sought counsel and I was reminded of the impact I had already made. My counselor called attention to the possibility that I was intentionally being brought down by an evil force and encouraged me to embrace my role. Later that night, I received a call from my friend. I had to choose whether I was going to ignore the call or accept my mission and answer. It wasn't easy, but I answered.

If you are discouraged, my hope is that you will rejoice and stand firm during your struggle. If necessary, seek reassurance that your life isn't futile. History, mythology and the Bible are filled with stories of people who overcome adversity to accomplish great things. Like Sisyphus, they were probably never aware of their significance. You have a choice whether you will allow your discouragement to lead to destruction or if you will overcome it and climb the mountain happily with a song on your lips. At the top, you will rejoice in the view.  

Head Banging

Earlier this year, I had the privilege of speaking at a memorial service for a friend who passed away. On the day of the service, I decided to eliminate this portion. 

I drive students with special needs. Earlier this school year, a young Autistic girl I transport was very upset and she refused to go to school. She was confused and afraid. She walked around the bus like she was lost, and refused to go down the steps to the teacher and into the school. She kept saying “home.” My monitor tried to nudge her toward the stairs and the teacher waited outside the bus calling to her, but she fought it. She got more upset, to the point where she began hurting herself. She hit herself with her fist and even banged her head on the bus, the whole time refusing to exit the bus. We could have forced her, picked her up and carried her off the bus and into school. Instead, we stood back and allowed her to work out her frustration. Her method was scary and dangerous. It was heart breaking to see her confused, lost and hurting herself. When she went to hit her head on the hand rail, I put my hand in between her and the rail, softening the blow. She kept banging. After a few minutes, she settled down. I asked her if she needed a hug. She came to me and I put my arms around her and comforted her. She was still in distress but eventually she was able to walk off the bus and go with her teacher into the school.

When I think about it, I picture God watching us lost, confused and banging our head. He knows he could force us in the right direction but instead he allows us to work through our pain. He stays close, watching, calming and protecting us. In a quiet moment, he reveals himself to us and asks us to go to him. When we go, he wraps us in his arms and heals us to the point we are able to carry on. I’m not God. All I had to do was watch a young girl in distress for a few minutes. God will wait for days, months, years or even a lifetime for us to turn to him. I would not have waited a lifetime! Does he let us hurt ourselves? Yes, sometimes that is what it takes for us to decide to turn to him. While we are banging our heads against the metal, he places his hand to protect us from doing severe damage. Once we turn to him, he is there with open arms, the right words and a healing power only he can provide that allows us to continue on with our lives

As the school year ends, I am reflecting on the year and also my life. For the next few weeks, my church is doing  series called "This Can Change Your Life." It's true, your life can change and God is working on that right now. Can you sit still and listen to Him?

Barney, Rugrats, Power Rangers, Yugioh, Hot Wheels, DVD's, Rubic's Cube, Rock Band, Running, The Dark Night and Audio Engineering

I was reminded today how important it is for parents to be interested in what their children are interested in while they are growing up. I have to be honest, it really wasn't that hard for me to care about what Frank and Mike cared about. I guess I am a little boy at heart and I sort of grew up while they did. As they are growing into young men, it is still s big part of our relationship to share an interest or activity.  I am amazed at how they have evolved over the years. It is also interesting how many phases to get to where they are. I am thankful they are no longer interested in Power Rangers and Barney.

I know people who forbid their children to explore their interests because they have no interest in it. If you want to raise a robotic, clone of yourself, go ahead, control all of your child's interests. If you want a child to find their passion and discover their talents, support their choices. It might mean having to sit through an elementary school band concert or listening to headache inducing drumming, but the payoff is a child who knows that you care about them. The good times Mike and I had at Cross Country meets, and watching action movies with our boys are the foundation of our relationships with them. I believe that the self confident men they have become is reflective of the open minded parenting they received as children.

It doesn't take long for a cute little Rugrat to grow up into The Dark Knight. Take an interest while you have a chance. Before you know it, huge life choices will be upon your little one. They need the confidence in their strengths and the awareness of their weaknesses to make good choices.

Frank solving the Rubic's Cube

Mike before a big race

Crutches

When I was a young girl, I got a broken leg as a result of a traffic accident. My very first post, Halloween 1979, details that experience. Recently, I have been thinking about how a broken leg is a metaphor for life.  Humanity symbolizes the broken bone; community is the doctor; exercise, food, music, nature, games and creativity are my crutches and spirituality is a physical therapist. Let me walk you through each metaphor. 

We are human! That fact says I am broken, imperfect...in need of improvement. Some fracture's causes are clear, like my leg. Others are caused over time, like stress fractures. Years of misuse, abuse and inattentiveness may cause a serious injury. The damage may be self inflicted or be caused by someone else's poor choices. The good news is there is hope. With the help of community, crutches and spirituality broken bones can heal and be made whole. 

Community consists of family, friends and acquaintances. Association is essential in diagnosing affliction. We require a radiologist to see through the skin of our persona to see what is in need of repair. If we are not diagnosed correctly, we can waste years walking around with a splint on our arm when we have a broken leg. If you want to know what areas of your life need polishing, listen to what other people say to you. If possible, find a person that is trustworthy and honest enough to lovingly show you that x-ray. 

All of us have crutches. Crutches are the things that assist while the healing is occurring. We may not be ready to stand on our own yet. Cautiously choose your crutches so that they fit you and support you. If possible, choose crutches that will provide support to others. Crutches can be abused. If we overuse them they prevent us from healing and may cause additional injury. Once in awhile throw the crutches aside. You may be surprised the mountains you can climb without them. 

Spirituality is the only way to gain wholeness from our shattered lives. It is the therapy required to be able to gain the confidence that our pain will someday be redeemed. When we look at our lives as being part of something greater, we can find meaning in our existence. Regardless of your belief system, hope in something bigger promotes recovery. "The only way that we can stand is on our knees with lifted hands." 

Compensation

What is art? Can it really be finitely defined? I am not talking about the Webster's version. I am talking about theoretically. I see a beautiful painting and it is clear that is art. I hear a piece of music or read a classic novel and no doubt in my mind, it's art. What about a baby's face or a dog's wagging tail? Would you classify that as art? I would...

Why all this talk about art? I have been working on some video projects over the past couple months and it is interesting to me the varying responses I have gotten upon their viewing. These projects were personal investments and the emotional reaction they provoked was the dividend I received. I spent time and money agonizing over every detail. I got frustrated when I encountered obstacles with technology. Fortunately, my boys were able to help me overcome those obstacles. Thanks Frank and Mike! 

It's important to me that you understand the hard work and dedication it takes to produce art. Regardless of the medium, the artist pours a lot of themselves into their creation. Please take that into consideration when looking at a picture, listening to a song or reading a blog. Maybe it isn't your taste or maybe you don't understand what the author is trying to express but please respect their effort. When you pour yourself into something and receive an apathetic response or worse yet, get ridiculed; it hurts. Remember, to the artist, the reaction is the compensation. Make it a good one ;)