The War Inside

In the past six months or so, I have been bombarded with attacks of entitlement, selfishness and judgement. Regardless of who I am speaking with, one of these subjects tends to show its face. People of the older generation speak of a younger generation that has been given a cushy life filled with technology. I hear over and over how kids don't have to learn skills such as writing and reading cursive, calculating without a calculator or simply earning privileges such as cell phones, vehicles and entertainment. It's true, my sons have not had to be educated in the ways that my generation has been educated. Just as my generation did not have to be educated in how to hook up a horse to a buggy or milk a cow or collect the eggs from the chicken coup. These changes are a circumstance of progress not entitlement. 

However, I will stand and say with a strong voice that entitlement is a problem for me. I caught myself struggling with it yesterday. I truly felt in my heart that I had the right to manipulate a situation to unjustly suit my needs. I failed in my attempt and guess what, I'm disappointed. Even though I see why it's not right for me to get my way, I still feel entitled to it. Recently, I had a conversation with a great giver. This person goes out of their way to serve others and works really hard to make things easier for the people in their life. They do it out of the goodness of their heart but still they expressed how unappreciated they feel sometimes. Why can't other people treat them the way they treat other people? I don't know that answer except to say that doing for others doesn't obligate them to do for us. 

This sense of entitlement could be labeled as selfishness. During our rough patches Mike and I each considered the other one to be selfish. The truth is we were! I didn't see the sacrifices he was making to improve a terrible situation. In turn, he didn't feel appreciated or respected. He wasn't able to admit that the choices he was making were prideful and therefore negatively affecting all of his relationships. I felt entitled to more than he could provide. Neither of us were willing to switch perspectives because we felt favored to win since we were each sacrificing in our own way. 

Only looking at a situation from your own perspective leads to judgement. I am extremely judgmental! It is really easy for me to look at someone and think I know everything about them. WRONG! I don't even know everything about those closest to me or myself.  How can I be so superficial that I don't give someone the benefit of the doubt and set aside my discrimination? I constantly battle feelings of bitterness and resentment caused by not keeping my opinions in check. 

Ways to combat entitlement, selfishness and judgement is the subject that I am hoping to address with this post. As I wrote earlier, this is something that I have been undertaking consciously for a while but subconsciously my entire life. I don't see a magic cure where one day I will be free of these feelings. I see myself as a work in progress with a step backward for every step or two I move forward. Taking that into consideration, my hope is to continue making progress and to help others think about how they feel about themselves in this area. 

We are all given our own unique talents, experiences and temperament therefore each of us is in our own place in our personal growth. Something that is easy for me to overcome may not be so easy for another person. Remembering to remain humble in my victories and to extend grace and forgiveness goes a long way to overcoming entitlement, selfishness and judgement. Humility reminds me that not that long ago I was a completely lost. I was addicted to a computer game, I was not interested in cultivating my marriage and I thought I was entitled to have as much fun as I wanted because I deserved it. PFFT! I deserved a big smack in the head. By taking the leap to make it a point to serve others, make my marriage a priority (I still have a long way to go in this area) and realizing that I could have fun within certain boundaries allowed me to kick my addiction, renew my marriage and begin putting my health above eating and drinking to excess. 

None of this would have been possible without God's help. My new life radiates through every aspect of my being. It is completely overwhelming at times and frightening to experience but I am happier than I have ever been. I believe that my life has purpose and that I am finally honorable. I have so much further to go and I plan on staying on this path to the end. Even though I am dedicated, I am constantly knocked off balance and I am forced to scramble to get back on my feet. I am blessed with an amazing community and a loving husband who help me each time I teeter. Without the truth that they speak into my life I would be back wandering aimlessly in no time. I am forever grateful for the platoon of warriors fighting along side me in spiritual warfare. Together we will win every last battle and the war.