Changes

Wow, it's been over a year since I last published a post. I want to tell you why it has been so long since I've written anything on here, but also why I'm back. I guess the reasons are closely related. 

Today, I took a walk along one of my favorite routes along the lakefront. The sun was shining, it was hot, and people were out enjoying the day: exercising, recreating and relaxing. As I left the house, I was thinking about the devotional I am currently reading about living a spirit filled life. Today, I was instructed to reflect on my life before receiving the Holy Spirit and think about the changes in my life since then. I was encouraged to jump deeper into what the spirit is currently trying to reveal to me and to ask the Holy Spirit to show me people who need love and to help me be the person to reach out and touch them. 

As I headed east and turned south, I remembered that until recently, I wouldn't have attempted this journey. You see, on September 14, 2015, I severely ruptured my Achilles tendon. My injury required extensive surgery, rehab and recovery. The physical part of my injury was devastating. More importantly, the emotional and spiritual consequences were almost more than I could recover from. I was knocked on my ass, literally and figuratively. 

I spent four months off work, unable to perform even simple tasks like vacuuming or walking up and down stairs to do laundry, I became more and more disillusioned. I was impatient with my lack of endurance even after I regained some mobility. The storm was raging inside my head and thoughts of doubt and hopelessness overpowered my typical optimistic outlook. Eventually, I was able to return to work, but I was lacking fulfillment and it took all my energy just to make it through the work day. Slowly, I regained my physical endurance, but emotionally and spiritually, improvement was erratic and  inconsistent. I stopped listening to music, reading and praying regularly. My typical coping mechanisms didn't seem to make the positive impact they previously made, so I went back to an old addiction that I had given up some time ago: Candy Crush. This may be surprising, but there have been seasons in my life when getting on an electronic device and solving a puzzle or playing a game is all I want to do for hours on end, all day, every day. Playing those games sap my motivation to do anything else. Am I still able to function? Sure, but my productivity slows to a snail's pace. 

Back to my walk. I thought about how those doubts and hopelessness were eventually overpowered because while I was treading water just trying to stay alive, God was working in me and around me. On the occasions when I did listen to music or read a teaching, I was reminded that as long as I kept my hope in him, he would be faithful. I was reminded that my doubts were reasonable and that my fears of never feeling like myself again were acceptable and rational. Those fears were preventing me from feeling like myself again. My thoughts were self destructive, self fulfilling prophesies. What I needed and what I was provided with was something that I loved doing so much that nothing was going to prevent me from getting out and doing it. 

So what is my ultimate motivator? What got me off my butt, forced me to stop wallowing in self doubt and turn off the silly game? Summerfest! My passion for live music, the lakefront and people watching while enjoying a tasty, cold brew is intense. Luckily, that intensity is shared by a friend who is willing to plan and attend the Big Gig with me even if it means pushing me in a wheelchair. The enthusiasm we share provided me with motivation to focus on a goal and positively influenced my daily activities leading up to opening day. Still, I was afraid that physical pain would prevent me from being able to enjoy myself or worse yet, that the shadow of the darkness that lingered inside me would continue to suppress the light. Reenter the spirit. Attending 9 days of Summerfest, seeing over 60 acts and walking for miles was a cake walk. The spirit inside was there all along, driving out the darkness and eliminating the doubts with each step. Not just those steps at Summerfest, but the thousands that took place leading up to it. 

Rupturing my Achilles forced me to sit down for awhile. It slowed me up and forced me to reevaluate my priorities. My injury was more than physical. I went into a dark room to rest for awhile, While I rested, my faith was challenged. As much as I considered it, I never gave up on God. I was discouraged and frustrated with the time it took to heal, but it took that long because I needed that long. That time changed me and strengthened me. Those strange changes are what I believe the spirit is trying to reveal to me. I am more than my ability to walk, work or volunteer. The light isn't tied to what I do, rather to who I am. So I asked for the opportunity to encourage and comfort people and many have been given to me. I asked for wisdom and guidance on where to step next and some doors are beginning to crack open. I asked for endurance and confidence to walk through the right door with my head up and a smile on my face and I have been generously equipped. I realize that more changes are in store for me. I hope that I continue to trust in God's faithfulness and grow stronger in faith and spirit.