Discussing Tragedy with Children

As the world watches the aftermath of another tragedy over a twenty-four hour news cycle, I am reminded that a few years ago I wrote about discussing such matters with your children. This post was never published as it was originally intended for a different blog site for which I was going to contribute. While the circumstances which lead to this are horrific, the timing couldn't be better. 

The fact of the matter is there will be times when your kids will have to face tragedy. Whether national, local or personal; tragedy surrounds us all. As a parent, we have a responsibility to discuss these situations with our children and make sure that they keep things in the proper perspective. My hope in this post is to encourage you to tackle these circumstances with compassionate realism.

My first experience with tragedy occurred at the age of f six. My aunt took me aside and explained that my mom had died that morning.  At that age, I didn’t have an understanding of what that meant. She compassionately explained that Mom was gone and I wouldn’t be able to see her anymore. She answered my questions and consoled me until I was ready to join the rest of my family. Her courage in spite of the sorrow and grief she must have felt over her sister’s unexpected death amazes me. The horrible memories of that day are overshadowed by the love and compassion shown to me by her actions. 

The most significant tragedy that occurred while my sons were young was the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. Frank and Michael were in second grade. As parents, Mike and I knew they would be aware of the news and we wanted to make sure they felt safe. We did our best to limit their media exposure to graphic images. We opened up a conversation with them and allowed them to express their feelings and ask questions. We were honest with them about the possibility of more attacks and the unlikelihood that any would occur near us. Our main focus was to be realistic and reassuring. 

When the boys were 14, a family member died at the age of 19. To complicate matters, there were questionable circumstances around Sam’s death. This provided us with the opportunity to counsel the boys regarding the fragility of life and also how to handle gossip. We sat down as a family and had an open discussion.  We made sure they understood the factors that led to Sam’s passing and we attended Sam’s funeral together. I think experiencing the ceremonial part was important in helping our teenagers cope with their emotions. While it was difficult, the trust we built with them is everlasting. 

Being mindful of these points will lessen the burden and promote well being and peace after a tragedy occurs:

• Listening and focusing on your child’s emotional wellness are important. Children watch adults to see how to cope with the anxiety, sorrow and confusion of tragedy.
• Children need comforting and frequent reassurance that they are safe.
• Be honest and open about the tragedy.
• Encourage children to express their feelings through talking, drawing or playing.
• Try to maintain daily routine.
• Be careful not to offer false reassurance. They know the truth. They need to trust you and feel that you are approachable. Admit that you don’t know everything. If you can admit that you are confused too, they will respect you and your relationship will be strengthened.  

Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” NIV

Here are some references:

Helping Children Cope with Tragedy Related Anxiety

How to talk about Tragedies in the Media