Impossible

This week I am playing all the songs on my phone while I exercise and go through my daily routine. Today, while walking on the Parkside XC course, I cycled through most of the songs that begin with the letter "I." As I was ascending up the first hill, U2's  "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" declared that I have climbed the highest mountain, I have run through the fields but I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Later, I was encouraged by Brandon Heath's lyrics reminding me that "I'm Not Who I Was." Further into my five mile venture, John Lennon invited me to "Imagine" an ideal life. Then Christina Aguilera and Alicia Keys combined to reveal a part of me that is "Impossible" for me to remember in my daily life. Boom! After reviewing my last seven posts, I have come to this realization: I make it impossible for people to love me by hiding the vulnerable part of myself that I am scared to death to reveal. Then I get discouraged and disappointed because those closest to me are unable to meet my needs or expectations in that area.

Fact: we all need love. My way of receiving love is to try to initiate it and then wait for it to be reciprocated. The practice of keeping a smile on my face, posting encouraging pictures and quotes on social media and sharing my resources and talents with those who I come in contact is very rewarding. However, lately life has been pretty rough for me. The circumstances in which I find myself are weighing heavily on me. I still muster the energy and courage to perform my daily "duties" however, I am aching to receive a little of it back. The thing is, almost nobody knows what I am going through. People can tell that I am not myself, but they have their own lives to live. I don't want to be "that person" who shouts every aspect of their life to the whole world. That isn't me...so I do my best to be myself. Instead, I keep my emotions in check using various coping skills or so I think. I am sure my husband, sons and those closest to me would argue that I lose it regularly. Not that there's anything wrong with that. When I am alone, I spend as much time with God as possible so that he can do the work in me that will allow me to heal. He has been faithful to me in more ways than I realize. Meanwhile, the human side of me conflicts with the growth that is occurring inside and spills out all over those in my vicinity. Sorry...I'm trying, but I am only human. 

Summer is about half over and I have a lot of work to do before the school years starts up again. Most of it is a by product of those circumstances which I eluded to earlier. If you want to help, this is me asking you to send some love my way. You see, I realize it's impossible for you to love me because I don't let you know what I'm feeling. It's impossible for you to read my mind. It's impossible for you get past my guard. It's impossible for you to know what I need when I hide it from you. It's impossible for you to love me any other way.

Getting Better

I was inspired to start this blog by a message I heard during a series of messages called "SHAPE," which is an acronym demonstrating that each person consists of their spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, passion and experiences. Each post consistently shares my struggles, the process of my transformation and the belief that I am getting better. I have chosen to use my abilities to show you my heart through my spiritual gifts and experiences in order to glorify the passion. If you read through the posts, as I did during winter break, you will see that not only am I not who I was, I'm getting better all the time.

The end of the school year is approaching, which is a perfect time to pause and reflect on who I am compared to who I was a year ago. I've got to believe I am getting better.

Last spring I was called to return to college, my step-mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I was struggling with physical pain in my back and shoulder that was eventually diagnosed as Spinal Stenosis.  Individually, those circumstances are overwhelming, let alone combined. The situation mixed with my experiences over the year give me hope that it's true that it can get better. 

I spent the summer preparing to re-enter college, loving my family and improving my health. I committed time each day reading a devotional called "Jesus Calling." I took long walks with my dogs, my friends and my thoughts. I traveled west to my parents' house on several occasions; alone, with my husband and with my sisters. I shared fantastic experiences with my husband, boys and closest friends. I've got to believe it's getting better. 

Last fall, I re-entered college, my step-mom had a period of good health and the pain in my back subsided. I took advantage of many opportunities. I went to a Michael Franti concert, took part in a fund raising project that raised tens of thousands of dollars to benefit young adults who have Autism, made new friends and learned. I spent time studying, working and loving. I didn't relax as much as I should have. I didn't love unconditionally and I didn't always do what I felt God was asking me to do. I've got to believe it's getting better. 

The winter brought hardship and glory beyond words. My schedule was beginning to take a toll on me. My best friend,Chris, lost her job and I walked with her through the process. Mike and I were communicating effectively, but the issues that stress our relationship were beginning to resurface. My job driving bus was complicated by brutal weather and student behavior issues. My family made it a priority to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my step-mom, Judy. Chris found a new client that provided hope and direction. Mike and I remained committed to working through our struggles. The problems at work provided me an opportunity to get to know a teacher who is making a great impact on me. I've got to believe it's getting better. 

Spring was really an extended winter. My level of commitment to school work dropped. Judy went into hospice. My back pain returned. The pressure of day to day life was beginning to overwhelm me. I kept running toward the light but in reality I was just trying to stay ahead of the dark. The dark proved to be much faster than I was. Judy passed away. I was overtaken with grief. The grief made it almost impossible to function. I had a choice to make. Was I going to keep chasing the fading light or turn into the darkness and wait for the sun to rise. I've got to believe it'll get better.

It has been almost a month since Judy passed away. Our blended family came together and memorialized her in a beautiful ceremony. We are working together through our grief and ensuring that my dad is provided with all the support he needs to move forward. There is a gaping hole inside me. I had a realization during the winter that there is a gaping hole in all of us. What matters is where we look to fill that hole. It can't get much worse but can it get better?

The world provides many temptations from which to choose: food, drugs, work, relationships, addiction and emotions. All of those options are lacking. They only provide short term satisfaction of an insatiable thirst that is in all of us. The consequence of being in the dark is that you are forced to feel your way. It is full of painful obstacles that must be overcome. The anguish that you encounter in the dark is overpowering. Eventually, the burden brings you to your knees. When you are on your knees, you are provided with a glimmer of hope. This is a good time to close your eyes, rest and allow the burden to be lifted. The time that passes while you rest affords you to make it though the pain but it also provides an opportunity for the sun to rise. The light of the rising sun shines on the fact that it's getting so much better all the time.

Peace

Breaking a Bad Pattern

Today is Saturday and I have chosen to transport a group of athletes to a competition. That usually means that I have a lot of time to spend in solitude and today is no exception. I have 7 hours to spend however I choose to do so. Per my routine, I have found a coffee shop with WiFi and claimed a comfortable spot to read, do homework, listen to music and eat. Since my classes do not restart for a couple more days, I have "leisure" time to spend. It's good because I have had a heavy heart lately and I am hoping that this will provide me with an opportunity to unload the burden and heal a bit. 

I am incredibly blessed and for the most part, content. However, for some reason I can't shake the voice in my head that is trying to bring me down. I am well aware that a thankful attitude will silence that voice, yet it is incredibly difficult to focus on what is good and true. For an optimist like me, dwelling on negativity does frightful damage to my well being. There is a demon inside me that is working overtime trying to destroy my happiness. ENOUGH! I am tired of this pattern that begins with me trying to quiet that demon by pleasing others. It is flawed thinking that will only lead to disaster. 

The first step to solving a problem is admitting there is a problem. The revelation that I am a people pleaser became clear during a reflection I did for Psychology class. I wrote about one of my earliest memories and I realized that my need to make others happy has been a part of me since early childhood. Forty years later, I have become so used to this pattern that I am surprised that I even see it. Now that I see it, I am called to remedy this part of myself that causes me a lot of frustration and devastation. How do I do that?

I am compelled to accept that no matter what I do or do not do, I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. If I fool myself into believing that I have the slightest chance to accomplish that, I am DOOMED! This acceptance is a major obstacle right now. I can see it, I know how to obtain it and still, I am struggling. That demon has a firm grip and is holding tight. I hit it with the realization that not only am I not responsible for other people's happiness, I am not equipped to complete the task. I am wholly inadequate. That truth causes more depressive feelings but it makes a lot of progress in the area of acceptance. The discouragement of my inadequacy is dangerous. The way to overcome discouragement is to focus on good things. It is easy to fall off the ledge where I focus on good things and fall back into "doing" good things. Doing good things without the proper motivation will lead me right back into the pattern of pleasing others. The proper motivation comes from doing things to please an audience of one. How do I do that?

Pleasing an audience of one requires keeping my eyes on the truth. I was made to fulfill a purpose. I have been given everything I need to achieve that purpose. I must guard against distractions that are working to prevent me from realizing it. I need to forgive myself for not being able to live up to an unreasonable expectation of myself. I have been forgiven for the mistakes I have made and I will make in the future. I am not alone in this purpose. I am not responsible for the entire solution. My part will make a difference and that is enough. It is all I can hope to carry out.