Getting Better

I was inspired to start this blog by a message I heard during a series of messages called "SHAPE," which is an acronym demonstrating that each person consists of their spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, passion and experiences. Each post consistently shares my struggles, the process of my transformation and the belief that I am getting better. I have chosen to use my abilities to show you my heart through my spiritual gifts and experiences in order to glorify the passion. If you read through the posts, as I did during winter break, you will see that not only am I not who I was, I'm getting better all the time.

The end of the school year is approaching, which is a perfect time to pause and reflect on who I am compared to who I was a year ago. I've got to believe I am getting better.

Last spring I was called to return to college, my step-mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I was struggling with physical pain in my back and shoulder that was eventually diagnosed as Spinal Stenosis.  Individually, those circumstances are overwhelming, let alone combined. The situation mixed with my experiences over the year give me hope that it's true that it can get better. 

I spent the summer preparing to re-enter college, loving my family and improving my health. I committed time each day reading a devotional called "Jesus Calling." I took long walks with my dogs, my friends and my thoughts. I traveled west to my parents' house on several occasions; alone, with my husband and with my sisters. I shared fantastic experiences with my husband, boys and closest friends. I've got to believe it's getting better. 

Last fall, I re-entered college, my step-mom had a period of good health and the pain in my back subsided. I took advantage of many opportunities. I went to a Michael Franti concert, took part in a fund raising project that raised tens of thousands of dollars to benefit young adults who have Autism, made new friends and learned. I spent time studying, working and loving. I didn't relax as much as I should have. I didn't love unconditionally and I didn't always do what I felt God was asking me to do. I've got to believe it's getting better. 

The winter brought hardship and glory beyond words. My schedule was beginning to take a toll on me. My best friend,Chris, lost her job and I walked with her through the process. Mike and I were communicating effectively, but the issues that stress our relationship were beginning to resurface. My job driving bus was complicated by brutal weather and student behavior issues. My family made it a priority to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my step-mom, Judy. Chris found a new client that provided hope and direction. Mike and I remained committed to working through our struggles. The problems at work provided me an opportunity to get to know a teacher who is making a great impact on me. I've got to believe it's getting better. 

Spring was really an extended winter. My level of commitment to school work dropped. Judy went into hospice. My back pain returned. The pressure of day to day life was beginning to overwhelm me. I kept running toward the light but in reality I was just trying to stay ahead of the dark. The dark proved to be much faster than I was. Judy passed away. I was overtaken with grief. The grief made it almost impossible to function. I had a choice to make. Was I going to keep chasing the fading light or turn into the darkness and wait for the sun to rise. I've got to believe it'll get better.

It has been almost a month since Judy passed away. Our blended family came together and memorialized her in a beautiful ceremony. We are working together through our grief and ensuring that my dad is provided with all the support he needs to move forward. There is a gaping hole inside me. I had a realization during the winter that there is a gaping hole in all of us. What matters is where we look to fill that hole. It can't get much worse but can it get better?

The world provides many temptations from which to choose: food, drugs, work, relationships, addiction and emotions. All of those options are lacking. They only provide short term satisfaction of an insatiable thirst that is in all of us. The consequence of being in the dark is that you are forced to feel your way. It is full of painful obstacles that must be overcome. The anguish that you encounter in the dark is overpowering. Eventually, the burden brings you to your knees. When you are on your knees, you are provided with a glimmer of hope. This is a good time to close your eyes, rest and allow the burden to be lifted. The time that passes while you rest affords you to make it though the pain but it also provides an opportunity for the sun to rise. The light of the rising sun shines on the fact that it's getting so much better all the time.

Peace