Breaking a Bad Pattern

Today is Saturday and I have chosen to transport a group of athletes to a competition. That usually means that I have a lot of time to spend in solitude and today is no exception. I have 7 hours to spend however I choose to do so. Per my routine, I have found a coffee shop with WiFi and claimed a comfortable spot to read, do homework, listen to music and eat. Since my classes do not restart for a couple more days, I have "leisure" time to spend. It's good because I have had a heavy heart lately and I am hoping that this will provide me with an opportunity to unload the burden and heal a bit. 

I am incredibly blessed and for the most part, content. However, for some reason I can't shake the voice in my head that is trying to bring me down. I am well aware that a thankful attitude will silence that voice, yet it is incredibly difficult to focus on what is good and true. For an optimist like me, dwelling on negativity does frightful damage to my well being. There is a demon inside me that is working overtime trying to destroy my happiness. ENOUGH! I am tired of this pattern that begins with me trying to quiet that demon by pleasing others. It is flawed thinking that will only lead to disaster. 

The first step to solving a problem is admitting there is a problem. The revelation that I am a people pleaser became clear during a reflection I did for Psychology class. I wrote about one of my earliest memories and I realized that my need to make others happy has been a part of me since early childhood. Forty years later, I have become so used to this pattern that I am surprised that I even see it. Now that I see it, I am called to remedy this part of myself that causes me a lot of frustration and devastation. How do I do that?

I am compelled to accept that no matter what I do or do not do, I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. If I fool myself into believing that I have the slightest chance to accomplish that, I am DOOMED! This acceptance is a major obstacle right now. I can see it, I know how to obtain it and still, I am struggling. That demon has a firm grip and is holding tight. I hit it with the realization that not only am I not responsible for other people's happiness, I am not equipped to complete the task. I am wholly inadequate. That truth causes more depressive feelings but it makes a lot of progress in the area of acceptance. The discouragement of my inadequacy is dangerous. The way to overcome discouragement is to focus on good things. It is easy to fall off the ledge where I focus on good things and fall back into "doing" good things. Doing good things without the proper motivation will lead me right back into the pattern of pleasing others. The proper motivation comes from doing things to please an audience of one. How do I do that?

Pleasing an audience of one requires keeping my eyes on the truth. I was made to fulfill a purpose. I have been given everything I need to achieve that purpose. I must guard against distractions that are working to prevent me from realizing it. I need to forgive myself for not being able to live up to an unreasonable expectation of myself. I have been forgiven for the mistakes I have made and I will make in the future. I am not alone in this purpose. I am not responsible for the entire solution. My part will make a difference and that is enough. It is all I can hope to carry out.