Discussing Tragedy with Children

As the world watches the aftermath of another tragedy over a twenty-four hour news cycle, I am reminded that a few years ago I wrote about discussing such matters with your children. This post was never published as it was originally intended for a different blog site for which I was going to contribute. While the circumstances which lead to this are horrific, the timing couldn't be better. 

The fact of the matter is there will be times when your kids will have to face tragedy. Whether national, local or personal; tragedy surrounds us all. As a parent, we have a responsibility to discuss these situations with our children and make sure that they keep things in the proper perspective. My hope in this post is to encourage you to tackle these circumstances with compassionate realism.

My first experience with tragedy occurred at the age of f six. My aunt took me aside and explained that my mom had died that morning.  At that age, I didn’t have an understanding of what that meant. She compassionately explained that Mom was gone and I wouldn’t be able to see her anymore. She answered my questions and consoled me until I was ready to join the rest of my family. Her courage in spite of the sorrow and grief she must have felt over her sister’s unexpected death amazes me. The horrible memories of that day are overshadowed by the love and compassion shown to me by her actions. 

The most significant tragedy that occurred while my sons were young was the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. Frank and Michael were in second grade. As parents, Mike and I knew they would be aware of the news and we wanted to make sure they felt safe. We did our best to limit their media exposure to graphic images. We opened up a conversation with them and allowed them to express their feelings and ask questions. We were honest with them about the possibility of more attacks and the unlikelihood that any would occur near us. Our main focus was to be realistic and reassuring. 

When the boys were 14, a family member died at the age of 19. To complicate matters, there were questionable circumstances around Sam’s death. This provided us with the opportunity to counsel the boys regarding the fragility of life and also how to handle gossip. We sat down as a family and had an open discussion.  We made sure they understood the factors that led to Sam’s passing and we attended Sam’s funeral together. I think experiencing the ceremonial part was important in helping our teenagers cope with their emotions. While it was difficult, the trust we built with them is everlasting. 

Being mindful of these points will lessen the burden and promote well being and peace after a tragedy occurs:

• Listening and focusing on your child’s emotional wellness are important. Children watch adults to see how to cope with the anxiety, sorrow and confusion of tragedy.
• Children need comforting and frequent reassurance that they are safe.
• Be honest and open about the tragedy.
• Encourage children to express their feelings through talking, drawing or playing.
• Try to maintain daily routine.
• Be careful not to offer false reassurance. They know the truth. They need to trust you and feel that you are approachable. Admit that you don’t know everything. If you can admit that you are confused too, they will respect you and your relationship will be strengthened.  

Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” NIV

Here are some references:

Helping Children Cope with Tragedy Related Anxiety

How to talk about Tragedies in the Media

Red Faced and All Together Cheerful

Man, sometimes I am embarrassed to be a person living in 21st century America. Today, was one of those days. What, Sue!?!? Don't you love living in the greatest country in the world? Don't you enjoy, maybe even take for granted, countless freedoms that many people sacrificed and died for you to have? Where is your gratitude? Where is your patriotism? How can you be so unappreciative?

Those are valid questions. Yes, I love living in this country during this time period. I can't count how many times I've been blessed with an abundance of choices and comforts. I don't have to give a second thought to whether my basic needs will be met today, tomorrow or ever. I can travel freely, read, watch or listen to any type of media without fear, openly worship and practice my religion and I have a multitude of forums to speak my mind. I go to bed feeling relatively safe and when I wake up, I can be rather confident that nothing catastrophic will happen to me or my loved ones. So, what's to be embarrassed about? 

I am embarrassed by the idea of exclusivity. I am disgusted by the idea that considering viewpoints that differ from your own is so distasteful for some people. Who is to say, "I'm right, you're wrong?" This way is the only way. All other opinions should be immediately disqualified and protested. When a company such as Starbucks chooses to "embrace the simplicity and quietness" of the holiday season by omitting any special ornamentation from their red cup design, some people take it upon themselves to say that Starbucks is oppressing Christianity. When a retail establishment instructs its employees to wish people Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas, they are not just being politically correct. They are being considerate of all peoples traditions and beliefs. I have news for you 'Murica, Jesus was inclusive! 

When asked what the most important commandment was, he had a simple reply - love one another. Is this love exclusive? Obviously not, because he hung around with some of the most underprivileged and biggest scourges of his time. When he gave the great commission, did he say to only share his good news with the rich, those of a certain race, or those who were practicing the right denomination of the right religion? Nope, he instructed the followers of his way to go out and make disciples of all nations. His message was to bring peace to the world through deeds, words and obedience. What he asked for most of all, was to put your faith in him and not your own self. When we lean only on our own understanding, we are not only exclusive, we minimize the greatness of God. As a self proclaimed follower of Christ, I find the idea that I have enough understanding to be confident that I know anything to be contemptuous. It is with this humility that I seek God in all men and women. 

Therefore, I ask you to consider this. Most Christians aren't offended by Starbucks red cup design this year. Saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas isn't dissing Jesus. It is actually obeying him. So, I am going to continue to do my best to spread the love and inclusive attitude of the man I am counting on to be my salvation.

After all, WWJD? 

Landslide

It's interesting how life works things out. Friday I was at an in-service training where I saw a friend who is dreading the beginning of the school year, because she is facing an empty nest. On Sunday, I accompanied a different friend on a journey helping a freshman co-ed on move in day. This young lady recently lost her mom to cancer. Both of these friends are experiencing ambivalence for very different reasons. However, there I was, walking side by side with each of them and their similar circumstances merely 48 hours apart.

As the school year is crashing upon us, there are many of us enduring a bevy of emotions including awe, fear, excitement, sadness, pride, apprehension, hope, concern, and joy simultaneously. Maybe your youngest is entering kindergarten. Perhaps your oldest is heading off to middle school, or your young adult is making a transfer from one college to another. Conceivably your son is entering his senior year of engineering school, and you are hoping he will get all the classes he needs in order to graduate in four years. It might even be that you personally are starting a new job in a different school with unknown people, unfamiliar challenges and unique adventures. Well, I am here to tell you this crucial fact...

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! 

Three years ago, I conveyed my feelings about Frank and Mike entering college. I was delighted and optimistic, but I was also nervous and disoriented. Some moms and I started a support group, and we continue to meet monthly for dinner. Those women are an indication that we are all in this together. They are a reminder that relationships matter, and they are an expression that we all do the best we can raising our children to grow into responsible adults. As difficult as it is, time only moves in one direction. To paraphrase Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac: we build our lives around them, but time makes us bolder. Children grow older, but we're growing older too. So take this love, take it down, climb a mountain and turn around. Don't let the landslide bring you down. It's a beautiful view. 

Peace

Changes

Wow, it's been over a year since I last published a post. I want to tell you why it has been so long since I've written anything on here, but also why I'm back. I guess the reasons are closely related. 

Today, I took a walk along one of my favorite routes along the lakefront. The sun was shining, it was hot, and people were out enjoying the day: exercising, recreating and relaxing. As I left the house, I was thinking about the devotional I am currently reading about living a spirit filled life. Today, I was instructed to reflect on my life before receiving the Holy Spirit and think about the changes in my life since then. I was encouraged to jump deeper into what the spirit is currently trying to reveal to me and to ask the Holy Spirit to show me people who need love and to help me be the person to reach out and touch them. 

As I headed east and turned south, I remembered that until recently, I wouldn't have attempted this journey. You see, on September 14, 2015, I severely ruptured my Achilles tendon. My injury required extensive surgery, rehab and recovery. The physical part of my injury was devastating. More importantly, the emotional and spiritual consequences were almost more than I could recover from. I was knocked on my ass, literally and figuratively. 

I spent four months off work, unable to perform even simple tasks like vacuuming or walking up and down stairs to do laundry, I became more and more disillusioned. I was impatient with my lack of endurance even after I regained some mobility. The storm was raging inside my head and thoughts of doubt and hopelessness overpowered my typical optimistic outlook. Eventually, I was able to return to work, but I was lacking fulfillment and it took all my energy just to make it through the work day. Slowly, I regained my physical endurance, but emotionally and spiritually, improvement was erratic and  inconsistent. I stopped listening to music, reading and praying regularly. My typical coping mechanisms didn't seem to make the positive impact they previously made, so I went back to an old addiction that I had given up some time ago: Candy Crush. This may be surprising, but there have been seasons in my life when getting on an electronic device and solving a puzzle or playing a game is all I want to do for hours on end, all day, every day. Playing those games sap my motivation to do anything else. Am I still able to function? Sure, but my productivity slows to a snail's pace. 

Back to my walk. I thought about how those doubts and hopelessness were eventually overpowered because while I was treading water just trying to stay alive, God was working in me and around me. On the occasions when I did listen to music or read a teaching, I was reminded that as long as I kept my hope in him, he would be faithful. I was reminded that my doubts were reasonable and that my fears of never feeling like myself again were acceptable and rational. Those fears were preventing me from feeling like myself again. My thoughts were self destructive, self fulfilling prophesies. What I needed and what I was provided with was something that I loved doing so much that nothing was going to prevent me from getting out and doing it. 

So what is my ultimate motivator? What got me off my butt, forced me to stop wallowing in self doubt and turn off the silly game? Summerfest! My passion for live music, the lakefront and people watching while enjoying a tasty, cold brew is intense. Luckily, that intensity is shared by a friend who is willing to plan and attend the Big Gig with me even if it means pushing me in a wheelchair. The enthusiasm we share provided me with motivation to focus on a goal and positively influenced my daily activities leading up to opening day. Still, I was afraid that physical pain would prevent me from being able to enjoy myself or worse yet, that the shadow of the darkness that lingered inside me would continue to suppress the light. Reenter the spirit. Attending 9 days of Summerfest, seeing over 60 acts and walking for miles was a cake walk. The spirit inside was there all along, driving out the darkness and eliminating the doubts with each step. Not just those steps at Summerfest, but the thousands that took place leading up to it. 

Rupturing my Achilles forced me to sit down for awhile. It slowed me up and forced me to reevaluate my priorities. My injury was more than physical. I went into a dark room to rest for awhile, While I rested, my faith was challenged. As much as I considered it, I never gave up on God. I was discouraged and frustrated with the time it took to heal, but it took that long because I needed that long. That time changed me and strengthened me. Those strange changes are what I believe the spirit is trying to reveal to me. I am more than my ability to walk, work or volunteer. The light isn't tied to what I do, rather to who I am. So I asked for the opportunity to encourage and comfort people and many have been given to me. I asked for wisdom and guidance on where to step next and some doors are beginning to crack open. I asked for endurance and confidence to walk through the right door with my head up and a smile on my face and I have been generously equipped. I realize that more changes are in store for me. I hope that I continue to trust in God's faithfulness and grow stronger in faith and spirit.