Discussing Tragedy with Children

As the world watches the aftermath of another tragedy over a twenty-four hour news cycle, I am reminded that a few years ago I wrote about discussing such matters with your children. This post was never published as it was originally intended for a different blog site for which I was going to contribute. While the circumstances which lead to this are horrific, the timing couldn't be better. 

The fact of the matter is there will be times when your kids will have to face tragedy. Whether national, local or personal; tragedy surrounds us all. As a parent, we have a responsibility to discuss these situations with our children and make sure that they keep things in the proper perspective. My hope in this post is to encourage you to tackle these circumstances with compassionate realism.

My first experience with tragedy occurred at the age of f six. My aunt took me aside and explained that my mom had died that morning.  At that age, I didn’t have an understanding of what that meant. She compassionately explained that Mom was gone and I wouldn’t be able to see her anymore. She answered my questions and consoled me until I was ready to join the rest of my family. Her courage in spite of the sorrow and grief she must have felt over her sister’s unexpected death amazes me. The horrible memories of that day are overshadowed by the love and compassion shown to me by her actions. 

The most significant tragedy that occurred while my sons were young was the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. Frank and Michael were in second grade. As parents, Mike and I knew they would be aware of the news and we wanted to make sure they felt safe. We did our best to limit their media exposure to graphic images. We opened up a conversation with them and allowed them to express their feelings and ask questions. We were honest with them about the possibility of more attacks and the unlikelihood that any would occur near us. Our main focus was to be realistic and reassuring. 

When the boys were 14, a family member died at the age of 19. To complicate matters, there were questionable circumstances around Sam’s death. This provided us with the opportunity to counsel the boys regarding the fragility of life and also how to handle gossip. We sat down as a family and had an open discussion.  We made sure they understood the factors that led to Sam’s passing and we attended Sam’s funeral together. I think experiencing the ceremonial part was important in helping our teenagers cope with their emotions. While it was difficult, the trust we built with them is everlasting. 

Being mindful of these points will lessen the burden and promote well being and peace after a tragedy occurs:

• Listening and focusing on your child’s emotional wellness are important. Children watch adults to see how to cope with the anxiety, sorrow and confusion of tragedy.
• Children need comforting and frequent reassurance that they are safe.
• Be honest and open about the tragedy.
• Encourage children to express their feelings through talking, drawing or playing.
• Try to maintain daily routine.
• Be careful not to offer false reassurance. They know the truth. They need to trust you and feel that you are approachable. Admit that you don’t know everything. If you can admit that you are confused too, they will respect you and your relationship will be strengthened.  

Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” NIV

Here are some references:

Helping Children Cope with Tragedy Related Anxiety

How to talk about Tragedies in the Media

Red Faced and All Together Cheerful

Man, sometimes I am embarrassed to be a person living in 21st century America. Today, was one of those days. What, Sue!?!? Don't you love living in the greatest country in the world? Don't you enjoy, maybe even take for granted, countless freedoms that many people sacrificed and died for you to have? Where is your gratitude? Where is your patriotism? How can you be so unappreciative?

Those are valid questions. Yes, I love living in this country during this time period. I can't count how many times I've been blessed with an abundance of choices and comforts. I don't have to give a second thought to whether my basic needs will be met today, tomorrow or ever. I can travel freely, read, watch or listen to any type of media without fear, openly worship and practice my religion and I have a multitude of forums to speak my mind. I go to bed feeling relatively safe and when I wake up, I can be rather confident that nothing catastrophic will happen to me or my loved ones. So, what's to be embarrassed about? 

I am embarrassed by the idea of exclusivity. I am disgusted by the idea that considering viewpoints that differ from your own is so distasteful for some people. Who is to say, "I'm right, you're wrong?" This way is the only way. All other opinions should be immediately disqualified and protested. When a company such as Starbucks chooses to "embrace the simplicity and quietness" of the holiday season by omitting any special ornamentation from their red cup design, some people take it upon themselves to say that Starbucks is oppressing Christianity. When a retail establishment instructs its employees to wish people Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas, they are not just being politically correct. They are being considerate of all peoples traditions and beliefs. I have news for you 'Murica, Jesus was inclusive! 

When asked what the most important commandment was, he had a simple reply - love one another. Is this love exclusive? Obviously not, because he hung around with some of the most underprivileged and biggest scourges of his time. When he gave the great commission, did he say to only share his good news with the rich, those of a certain race, or those who were practicing the right denomination of the right religion? Nope, he instructed the followers of his way to go out and make disciples of all nations. His message was to bring peace to the world through deeds, words and obedience. What he asked for most of all, was to put your faith in him and not your own self. When we lean only on our own understanding, we are not only exclusive, we minimize the greatness of God. As a self proclaimed follower of Christ, I find the idea that I have enough understanding to be confident that I know anything to be contemptuous. It is with this humility that I seek God in all men and women. 

Therefore, I ask you to consider this. Most Christians aren't offended by Starbucks red cup design this year. Saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas isn't dissing Jesus. It is actually obeying him. So, I am going to continue to do my best to spread the love and inclusive attitude of the man I am counting on to be my salvation.

After all, WWJD? 

Landslide

It's interesting how life works things out. Friday I was at an in-service training where I saw a friend who is dreading the beginning of the school year, because she is facing an empty nest. On Sunday, I accompanied a different friend on a journey helping a freshman co-ed on move in day. This young lady recently lost her mom to cancer. Both of these friends are experiencing ambivalence for very different reasons. However, there I was, walking side by side with each of them and their similar circumstances merely 48 hours apart.

As the school year is crashing upon us, there are many of us enduring a bevy of emotions including awe, fear, excitement, sadness, pride, apprehension, hope, concern, and joy simultaneously. Maybe your youngest is entering kindergarten. Perhaps your oldest is heading off to middle school, or your young adult is making a transfer from one college to another. Conceivably your son is entering his senior year of engineering school, and you are hoping he will get all the classes he needs in order to graduate in four years. It might even be that you personally are starting a new job in a different school with unknown people, unfamiliar challenges and unique adventures. Well, I am here to tell you this crucial fact...

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! 

Three years ago, I conveyed my feelings about Frank and Mike entering college. I was delighted and optimistic, but I was also nervous and disoriented. Some moms and I started a support group, and we continue to meet monthly for dinner. Those women are an indication that we are all in this together. They are a reminder that relationships matter, and they are an expression that we all do the best we can raising our children to grow into responsible adults. As difficult as it is, time only moves in one direction. To paraphrase Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac: we build our lives around them, but time makes us bolder. Children grow older, but we're growing older too. So take this love, take it down, climb a mountain and turn around. Don't let the landslide bring you down. It's a beautiful view. 

Peace

Changes

Wow, it's been over a year since I last published a post. I want to tell you why it has been so long since I've written anything on here, but also why I'm back. I guess the reasons are closely related. 

Today, I took a walk along one of my favorite routes along the lakefront. The sun was shining, it was hot, and people were out enjoying the day: exercising, recreating and relaxing. As I left the house, I was thinking about the devotional I am currently reading about living a spirit filled life. Today, I was instructed to reflect on my life before receiving the Holy Spirit and think about the changes in my life since then. I was encouraged to jump deeper into what the spirit is currently trying to reveal to me and to ask the Holy Spirit to show me people who need love and to help me be the person to reach out and touch them. 

As I headed east and turned south, I remembered that until recently, I wouldn't have attempted this journey. You see, on September 14, 2015, I severely ruptured my Achilles tendon. My injury required extensive surgery, rehab and recovery. The physical part of my injury was devastating. More importantly, the emotional and spiritual consequences were almost more than I could recover from. I was knocked on my ass, literally and figuratively. 

I spent four months off work, unable to perform even simple tasks like vacuuming or walking up and down stairs to do laundry, I became more and more disillusioned. I was impatient with my lack of endurance even after I regained some mobility. The storm was raging inside my head and thoughts of doubt and hopelessness overpowered my typical optimistic outlook. Eventually, I was able to return to work, but I was lacking fulfillment and it took all my energy just to make it through the work day. Slowly, I regained my physical endurance, but emotionally and spiritually, improvement was erratic and  inconsistent. I stopped listening to music, reading and praying regularly. My typical coping mechanisms didn't seem to make the positive impact they previously made, so I went back to an old addiction that I had given up some time ago: Candy Crush. This may be surprising, but there have been seasons in my life when getting on an electronic device and solving a puzzle or playing a game is all I want to do for hours on end, all day, every day. Playing those games sap my motivation to do anything else. Am I still able to function? Sure, but my productivity slows to a snail's pace. 

Back to my walk. I thought about how those doubts and hopelessness were eventually overpowered because while I was treading water just trying to stay alive, God was working in me and around me. On the occasions when I did listen to music or read a teaching, I was reminded that as long as I kept my hope in him, he would be faithful. I was reminded that my doubts were reasonable and that my fears of never feeling like myself again were acceptable and rational. Those fears were preventing me from feeling like myself again. My thoughts were self destructive, self fulfilling prophesies. What I needed and what I was provided with was something that I loved doing so much that nothing was going to prevent me from getting out and doing it. 

So what is my ultimate motivator? What got me off my butt, forced me to stop wallowing in self doubt and turn off the silly game? Summerfest! My passion for live music, the lakefront and people watching while enjoying a tasty, cold brew is intense. Luckily, that intensity is shared by a friend who is willing to plan and attend the Big Gig with me even if it means pushing me in a wheelchair. The enthusiasm we share provided me with motivation to focus on a goal and positively influenced my daily activities leading up to opening day. Still, I was afraid that physical pain would prevent me from being able to enjoy myself or worse yet, that the shadow of the darkness that lingered inside me would continue to suppress the light. Reenter the spirit. Attending 9 days of Summerfest, seeing over 60 acts and walking for miles was a cake walk. The spirit inside was there all along, driving out the darkness and eliminating the doubts with each step. Not just those steps at Summerfest, but the thousands that took place leading up to it. 

Rupturing my Achilles forced me to sit down for awhile. It slowed me up and forced me to reevaluate my priorities. My injury was more than physical. I went into a dark room to rest for awhile, While I rested, my faith was challenged. As much as I considered it, I never gave up on God. I was discouraged and frustrated with the time it took to heal, but it took that long because I needed that long. That time changed me and strengthened me. Those strange changes are what I believe the spirit is trying to reveal to me. I am more than my ability to walk, work or volunteer. The light isn't tied to what I do, rather to who I am. So I asked for the opportunity to encourage and comfort people and many have been given to me. I asked for wisdom and guidance on where to step next and some doors are beginning to crack open. I asked for endurance and confidence to walk through the right door with my head up and a smile on my face and I have been generously equipped. I realize that more changes are in store for me. I hope that I continue to trust in God's faithfulness and grow stronger in faith and spirit. 

Impossible

This week I am playing all the songs on my phone while I exercise and go through my daily routine. Today, while walking on the Parkside XC course, I cycled through most of the songs that begin with the letter "I." As I was ascending up the first hill, U2's  "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" declared that I have climbed the highest mountain, I have run through the fields but I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Later, I was encouraged by Brandon Heath's lyrics reminding me that "I'm Not Who I Was." Further into my five mile venture, John Lennon invited me to "Imagine" an ideal life. Then Christina Aguilera and Alicia Keys combined to reveal a part of me that is "Impossible" for me to remember in my daily life. Boom! After reviewing my last seven posts, I have come to this realization: I make it impossible for people to love me by hiding the vulnerable part of myself that I am scared to death to reveal. Then I get discouraged and disappointed because those closest to me are unable to meet my needs or expectations in that area.

Fact: we all need love. My way of receiving love is to try to initiate it and then wait for it to be reciprocated. The practice of keeping a smile on my face, posting encouraging pictures and quotes on social media and sharing my resources and talents with those who I come in contact is very rewarding. However, lately life has been pretty rough for me. The circumstances in which I find myself are weighing heavily on me. I still muster the energy and courage to perform my daily "duties" however, I am aching to receive a little of it back. The thing is, almost nobody knows what I am going through. People can tell that I am not myself, but they have their own lives to live. I don't want to be "that person" who shouts every aspect of their life to the whole world. That isn't me...so I do my best to be myself. Instead, I keep my emotions in check using various coping skills or so I think. I am sure my husband, sons and those closest to me would argue that I lose it regularly. Not that there's anything wrong with that. When I am alone, I spend as much time with God as possible so that he can do the work in me that will allow me to heal. He has been faithful to me in more ways than I realize. Meanwhile, the human side of me conflicts with the growth that is occurring inside and spills out all over those in my vicinity. Sorry...I'm trying, but I am only human. 

Summer is about half over and I have a lot of work to do before the school years starts up again. Most of it is a by product of those circumstances which I eluded to earlier. If you want to help, this is me asking you to send some love my way. You see, I realize it's impossible for you to love me because I don't let you know what I'm feeling. It's impossible for you to read my mind. It's impossible for you get past my guard. It's impossible for you to know what I need when I hide it from you. It's impossible for you to love me any other way.

Getting Better

I was inspired to start this blog by a message I heard during a series of messages called "SHAPE," which is an acronym demonstrating that each person consists of their spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, passion and experiences. Each post consistently shares my struggles, the process of my transformation and the belief that I am getting better. I have chosen to use my abilities to show you my heart through my spiritual gifts and experiences in order to glorify the passion. If you read through the posts, as I did during winter break, you will see that not only am I not who I was, I'm getting better all the time.

The end of the school year is approaching, which is a perfect time to pause and reflect on who I am compared to who I was a year ago. I've got to believe I am getting better.

Last spring I was called to return to college, my step-mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I was struggling with physical pain in my back and shoulder that was eventually diagnosed as Spinal Stenosis.  Individually, those circumstances are overwhelming, let alone combined. The situation mixed with my experiences over the year give me hope that it's true that it can get better. 

I spent the summer preparing to re-enter college, loving my family and improving my health. I committed time each day reading a devotional called "Jesus Calling." I took long walks with my dogs, my friends and my thoughts. I traveled west to my parents' house on several occasions; alone, with my husband and with my sisters. I shared fantastic experiences with my husband, boys and closest friends. I've got to believe it's getting better. 

Last fall, I re-entered college, my step-mom had a period of good health and the pain in my back subsided. I took advantage of many opportunities. I went to a Michael Franti concert, took part in a fund raising project that raised tens of thousands of dollars to benefit young adults who have Autism, made new friends and learned. I spent time studying, working and loving. I didn't relax as much as I should have. I didn't love unconditionally and I didn't always do what I felt God was asking me to do. I've got to believe it's getting better. 

The winter brought hardship and glory beyond words. My schedule was beginning to take a toll on me. My best friend,Chris, lost her job and I walked with her through the process. Mike and I were communicating effectively, but the issues that stress our relationship were beginning to resurface. My job driving bus was complicated by brutal weather and student behavior issues. My family made it a priority to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my step-mom, Judy. Chris found a new client that provided hope and direction. Mike and I remained committed to working through our struggles. The problems at work provided me an opportunity to get to know a teacher who is making a great impact on me. I've got to believe it's getting better. 

Spring was really an extended winter. My level of commitment to school work dropped. Judy went into hospice. My back pain returned. The pressure of day to day life was beginning to overwhelm me. I kept running toward the light but in reality I was just trying to stay ahead of the dark. The dark proved to be much faster than I was. Judy passed away. I was overtaken with grief. The grief made it almost impossible to function. I had a choice to make. Was I going to keep chasing the fading light or turn into the darkness and wait for the sun to rise. I've got to believe it'll get better.

It has been almost a month since Judy passed away. Our blended family came together and memorialized her in a beautiful ceremony. We are working together through our grief and ensuring that my dad is provided with all the support he needs to move forward. There is a gaping hole inside me. I had a realization during the winter that there is a gaping hole in all of us. What matters is where we look to fill that hole. It can't get much worse but can it get better?

The world provides many temptations from which to choose: food, drugs, work, relationships, addiction and emotions. All of those options are lacking. They only provide short term satisfaction of an insatiable thirst that is in all of us. The consequence of being in the dark is that you are forced to feel your way. It is full of painful obstacles that must be overcome. The anguish that you encounter in the dark is overpowering. Eventually, the burden brings you to your knees. When you are on your knees, you are provided with a glimmer of hope. This is a good time to close your eyes, rest and allow the burden to be lifted. The time that passes while you rest affords you to make it though the pain but it also provides an opportunity for the sun to rise. The light of the rising sun shines on the fact that it's getting so much better all the time.

Peace

Breaking a Bad Pattern

Today is Saturday and I have chosen to transport a group of athletes to a competition. That usually means that I have a lot of time to spend in solitude and today is no exception. I have 7 hours to spend however I choose to do so. Per my routine, I have found a coffee shop with WiFi and claimed a comfortable spot to read, do homework, listen to music and eat. Since my classes do not restart for a couple more days, I have "leisure" time to spend. It's good because I have had a heavy heart lately and I am hoping that this will provide me with an opportunity to unload the burden and heal a bit. 

I am incredibly blessed and for the most part, content. However, for some reason I can't shake the voice in my head that is trying to bring me down. I am well aware that a thankful attitude will silence that voice, yet it is incredibly difficult to focus on what is good and true. For an optimist like me, dwelling on negativity does frightful damage to my well being. There is a demon inside me that is working overtime trying to destroy my happiness. ENOUGH! I am tired of this pattern that begins with me trying to quiet that demon by pleasing others. It is flawed thinking that will only lead to disaster. 

The first step to solving a problem is admitting there is a problem. The revelation that I am a people pleaser became clear during a reflection I did for Psychology class. I wrote about one of my earliest memories and I realized that my need to make others happy has been a part of me since early childhood. Forty years later, I have become so used to this pattern that I am surprised that I even see it. Now that I see it, I am called to remedy this part of myself that causes me a lot of frustration and devastation. How do I do that?

I am compelled to accept that no matter what I do or do not do, I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. If I fool myself into believing that I have the slightest chance to accomplish that, I am DOOMED! This acceptance is a major obstacle right now. I can see it, I know how to obtain it and still, I am struggling. That demon has a firm grip and is holding tight. I hit it with the realization that not only am I not responsible for other people's happiness, I am not equipped to complete the task. I am wholly inadequate. That truth causes more depressive feelings but it makes a lot of progress in the area of acceptance. The discouragement of my inadequacy is dangerous. The way to overcome discouragement is to focus on good things. It is easy to fall off the ledge where I focus on good things and fall back into "doing" good things. Doing good things without the proper motivation will lead me right back into the pattern of pleasing others. The proper motivation comes from doing things to please an audience of one. How do I do that?

Pleasing an audience of one requires keeping my eyes on the truth. I was made to fulfill a purpose. I have been given everything I need to achieve that purpose. I must guard against distractions that are working to prevent me from realizing it. I need to forgive myself for not being able to live up to an unreasonable expectation of myself. I have been forgiven for the mistakes I have made and I will make in the future. I am not alone in this purpose. I am not responsible for the entire solution. My part will make a difference and that is enough. It is all I can hope to carry out.