Changes

Wow, it's been over a year since I last published a post. I want to tell you why it has been so long since I've written anything on here, but also why I'm back. I guess the reasons are closely related. 

Today, I took a walk along one of my favorite routes along the lakefront. The sun was shining, it was hot, and people were out enjoying the day: exercising, recreating and relaxing. As I left the house, I was thinking about the devotional I am currently reading about living a spirit filled life. Today, I was instructed to reflect on my life before receiving the Holy Spirit and think about the changes in my life since then. I was encouraged to jump deeper into what the spirit is currently trying to reveal to me and to ask the Holy Spirit to show me people who need love and to help me be the person to reach out and touch them. 

As I headed east and turned south, I remembered that until recently, I wouldn't have attempted this journey. You see, on September 14, 2015, I severely ruptured my Achilles tendon. My injury required extensive surgery, rehab and recovery. The physical part of my injury was devastating. More importantly, the emotional and spiritual consequences were almost more than I could recover from. I was knocked on my ass, literally and figuratively. 

I spent four months off work, unable to perform even simple tasks like vacuuming or walking up and down stairs to do laundry, I became more and more disillusioned. I was impatient with my lack of endurance even after I regained some mobility. The storm was raging inside my head and thoughts of doubt and hopelessness overpowered my typical optimistic outlook. Eventually, I was able to return to work, but I was lacking fulfillment and it took all my energy just to make it through the work day. Slowly, I regained my physical endurance, but emotionally and spiritually, improvement was erratic and  inconsistent. I stopped listening to music, reading and praying regularly. My typical coping mechanisms didn't seem to make the positive impact they previously made, so I went back to an old addiction that I had given up some time ago: Candy Crush. This may be surprising, but there have been seasons in my life when getting on an electronic device and solving a puzzle or playing a game is all I want to do for hours on end, all day, every day. Playing those games sap my motivation to do anything else. Am I still able to function? Sure, but my productivity slows to a snail's pace. 

Back to my walk. I thought about how those doubts and hopelessness were eventually overpowered because while I was treading water just trying to stay alive, God was working in me and around me. On the occasions when I did listen to music or read a teaching, I was reminded that as long as I kept my hope in him, he would be faithful. I was reminded that my doubts were reasonable and that my fears of never feeling like myself again were acceptable and rational. Those fears were preventing me from feeling like myself again. My thoughts were self destructive, self fulfilling prophesies. What I needed and what I was provided with was something that I loved doing so much that nothing was going to prevent me from getting out and doing it. 

So what is my ultimate motivator? What got me off my butt, forced me to stop wallowing in self doubt and turn off the silly game? Summerfest! My passion for live music, the lakefront and people watching while enjoying a tasty, cold brew is intense. Luckily, that intensity is shared by a friend who is willing to plan and attend the Big Gig with me even if it means pushing me in a wheelchair. The enthusiasm we share provided me with motivation to focus on a goal and positively influenced my daily activities leading up to opening day. Still, I was afraid that physical pain would prevent me from being able to enjoy myself or worse yet, that the shadow of the darkness that lingered inside me would continue to suppress the light. Reenter the spirit. Attending 9 days of Summerfest, seeing over 60 acts and walking for miles was a cake walk. The spirit inside was there all along, driving out the darkness and eliminating the doubts with each step. Not just those steps at Summerfest, but the thousands that took place leading up to it. 

Rupturing my Achilles forced me to sit down for awhile. It slowed me up and forced me to reevaluate my priorities. My injury was more than physical. I went into a dark room to rest for awhile, While I rested, my faith was challenged. As much as I considered it, I never gave up on God. I was discouraged and frustrated with the time it took to heal, but it took that long because I needed that long. That time changed me and strengthened me. Those strange changes are what I believe the spirit is trying to reveal to me. I am more than my ability to walk, work or volunteer. The light isn't tied to what I do, rather to who I am. So I asked for the opportunity to encourage and comfort people and many have been given to me. I asked for wisdom and guidance on where to step next and some doors are beginning to crack open. I asked for endurance and confidence to walk through the right door with my head up and a smile on my face and I have been generously equipped. I realize that more changes are in store for me. I hope that I continue to trust in God's faithfulness and grow stronger in faith and spirit. 

Impossible

This week I am playing all the songs on my phone while I exercise and go through my daily routine. Today, while walking on the Parkside XC course, I cycled through most of the songs that begin with the letter "I." As I was ascending up the first hill, U2's  "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" declared that I have climbed the highest mountain, I have run through the fields but I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Later, I was encouraged by Brandon Heath's lyrics reminding me that "I'm Not Who I Was." Further into my five mile venture, John Lennon invited me to "Imagine" an ideal life. Then Christina Aguilera and Alicia Keys combined to reveal a part of me that is "Impossible" for me to remember in my daily life. Boom! After reviewing my last seven posts, I have come to this realization: I make it impossible for people to love me by hiding the vulnerable part of myself that I am scared to death to reveal. Then I get discouraged and disappointed because those closest to me are unable to meet my needs or expectations in that area.

Fact: we all need love. My way of receiving love is to try to initiate it and then wait for it to be reciprocated. The practice of keeping a smile on my face, posting encouraging pictures and quotes on social media and sharing my resources and talents with those who I come in contact is very rewarding. However, lately life has been pretty rough for me. The circumstances in which I find myself are weighing heavily on me. I still muster the energy and courage to perform my daily "duties" however, I am aching to receive a little of it back. The thing is, almost nobody knows what I am going through. People can tell that I am not myself, but they have their own lives to live. I don't want to be "that person" who shouts every aspect of their life to the whole world. That isn't me...so I do my best to be myself. Instead, I keep my emotions in check using various coping skills or so I think. I am sure my husband, sons and those closest to me would argue that I lose it regularly. Not that there's anything wrong with that. When I am alone, I spend as much time with God as possible so that he can do the work in me that will allow me to heal. He has been faithful to me in more ways than I realize. Meanwhile, the human side of me conflicts with the growth that is occurring inside and spills out all over those in my vicinity. Sorry...I'm trying, but I am only human. 

Summer is about half over and I have a lot of work to do before the school years starts up again. Most of it is a by product of those circumstances which I eluded to earlier. If you want to help, this is me asking you to send some love my way. You see, I realize it's impossible for you to love me because I don't let you know what I'm feeling. It's impossible for you to read my mind. It's impossible for you get past my guard. It's impossible for you to know what I need when I hide it from you. It's impossible for you to love me any other way.

Getting Better

I was inspired to start this blog by a message I heard during a series of messages called "SHAPE," which is an acronym demonstrating that each person consists of their spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, passion and experiences. Each post consistently shares my struggles, the process of my transformation and the belief that I am getting better. I have chosen to use my abilities to show you my heart through my spiritual gifts and experiences in order to glorify the passion. If you read through the posts, as I did during winter break, you will see that not only am I not who I was, I'm getting better all the time.

The end of the school year is approaching, which is a perfect time to pause and reflect on who I am compared to who I was a year ago. I've got to believe I am getting better.

Last spring I was called to return to college, my step-mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I was struggling with physical pain in my back and shoulder that was eventually diagnosed as Spinal Stenosis.  Individually, those circumstances are overwhelming, let alone combined. The situation mixed with my experiences over the year give me hope that it's true that it can get better. 

I spent the summer preparing to re-enter college, loving my family and improving my health. I committed time each day reading a devotional called "Jesus Calling." I took long walks with my dogs, my friends and my thoughts. I traveled west to my parents' house on several occasions; alone, with my husband and with my sisters. I shared fantastic experiences with my husband, boys and closest friends. I've got to believe it's getting better. 

Last fall, I re-entered college, my step-mom had a period of good health and the pain in my back subsided. I took advantage of many opportunities. I went to a Michael Franti concert, took part in a fund raising project that raised tens of thousands of dollars to benefit young adults who have Autism, made new friends and learned. I spent time studying, working and loving. I didn't relax as much as I should have. I didn't love unconditionally and I didn't always do what I felt God was asking me to do. I've got to believe it's getting better. 

The winter brought hardship and glory beyond words. My schedule was beginning to take a toll on me. My best friend,Chris, lost her job and I walked with her through the process. Mike and I were communicating effectively, but the issues that stress our relationship were beginning to resurface. My job driving bus was complicated by brutal weather and student behavior issues. My family made it a priority to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my step-mom, Judy. Chris found a new client that provided hope and direction. Mike and I remained committed to working through our struggles. The problems at work provided me an opportunity to get to know a teacher who is making a great impact on me. I've got to believe it's getting better. 

Spring was really an extended winter. My level of commitment to school work dropped. Judy went into hospice. My back pain returned. The pressure of day to day life was beginning to overwhelm me. I kept running toward the light but in reality I was just trying to stay ahead of the dark. The dark proved to be much faster than I was. Judy passed away. I was overtaken with grief. The grief made it almost impossible to function. I had a choice to make. Was I going to keep chasing the fading light or turn into the darkness and wait for the sun to rise. I've got to believe it'll get better.

It has been almost a month since Judy passed away. Our blended family came together and memorialized her in a beautiful ceremony. We are working together through our grief and ensuring that my dad is provided with all the support he needs to move forward. There is a gaping hole inside me. I had a realization during the winter that there is a gaping hole in all of us. What matters is where we look to fill that hole. It can't get much worse but can it get better?

The world provides many temptations from which to choose: food, drugs, work, relationships, addiction and emotions. All of those options are lacking. They only provide short term satisfaction of an insatiable thirst that is in all of us. The consequence of being in the dark is that you are forced to feel your way. It is full of painful obstacles that must be overcome. The anguish that you encounter in the dark is overpowering. Eventually, the burden brings you to your knees. When you are on your knees, you are provided with a glimmer of hope. This is a good time to close your eyes, rest and allow the burden to be lifted. The time that passes while you rest affords you to make it though the pain but it also provides an opportunity for the sun to rise. The light of the rising sun shines on the fact that it's getting so much better all the time.

Peace

Breaking a Bad Pattern

Today is Saturday and I have chosen to transport a group of athletes to a competition. That usually means that I have a lot of time to spend in solitude and today is no exception. I have 7 hours to spend however I choose to do so. Per my routine, I have found a coffee shop with WiFi and claimed a comfortable spot to read, do homework, listen to music and eat. Since my classes do not restart for a couple more days, I have "leisure" time to spend. It's good because I have had a heavy heart lately and I am hoping that this will provide me with an opportunity to unload the burden and heal a bit. 

I am incredibly blessed and for the most part, content. However, for some reason I can't shake the voice in my head that is trying to bring me down. I am well aware that a thankful attitude will silence that voice, yet it is incredibly difficult to focus on what is good and true. For an optimist like me, dwelling on negativity does frightful damage to my well being. There is a demon inside me that is working overtime trying to destroy my happiness. ENOUGH! I am tired of this pattern that begins with me trying to quiet that demon by pleasing others. It is flawed thinking that will only lead to disaster. 

The first step to solving a problem is admitting there is a problem. The revelation that I am a people pleaser became clear during a reflection I did for Psychology class. I wrote about one of my earliest memories and I realized that my need to make others happy has been a part of me since early childhood. Forty years later, I have become so used to this pattern that I am surprised that I even see it. Now that I see it, I am called to remedy this part of myself that causes me a lot of frustration and devastation. How do I do that?

I am compelled to accept that no matter what I do or do not do, I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. If I fool myself into believing that I have the slightest chance to accomplish that, I am DOOMED! This acceptance is a major obstacle right now. I can see it, I know how to obtain it and still, I am struggling. That demon has a firm grip and is holding tight. I hit it with the realization that not only am I not responsible for other people's happiness, I am not equipped to complete the task. I am wholly inadequate. That truth causes more depressive feelings but it makes a lot of progress in the area of acceptance. The discouragement of my inadequacy is dangerous. The way to overcome discouragement is to focus on good things. It is easy to fall off the ledge where I focus on good things and fall back into "doing" good things. Doing good things without the proper motivation will lead me right back into the pattern of pleasing others. The proper motivation comes from doing things to please an audience of one. How do I do that?

Pleasing an audience of one requires keeping my eyes on the truth. I was made to fulfill a purpose. I have been given everything I need to achieve that purpose. I must guard against distractions that are working to prevent me from realizing it. I need to forgive myself for not being able to live up to an unreasonable expectation of myself. I have been forgiven for the mistakes I have made and I will make in the future. I am not alone in this purpose. I am not responsible for the entire solution. My part will make a difference and that is enough. It is all I can hope to carry out. 

Less is More

The past couple weeks I have been concentrating on slowing down. I feel like life has been a whirlwind of activity, responsibility and excitement. I am not attempting to throw a pity party in any way. I take ownership for the choices I made and I wouldn't change a thing. Although those choices have caused stress and conflict within my relationships and within myself, I feel fulfilled and content. So why slow down? Good question. 

We are not built to go for a long period of time at that sort of daily grind. Eventually, enduring too much anxiety and stress drives us to exhaustion. Before the exhaustion, performance and efficiency decline. That's a dilemma for me. I found that in all that responsibility and activity, something had to give. I am not a machine, not perfect and not superwoman. I am a woman filled with many gifts, passion, ability, and most of all love. I love hard! This comes at a personal cost. In order to prevent that cost from damaging my relationships or myself, it's time to take a hard look at what I have left to give. 

Truth is, I have a lot to give. I am a planner and I spent a lot of last summer looking forward to this fall and preparing for it. I knew I was going to have to work, study for school, nourish my marriage and family, and fulfill my volunteer commitments. I spent a lot of time thinking about how to prioritize those components. Notwithstanding all the planning and contemplation, living out those circumstances was arduous. There were obstacles to overcome, unexpected detours and the road was bumpy. I kept telling myself over the summer that I was refilling my bucket and now I feel drained. 

It's the holiday season and that usually quickens life's pace a bit. My choice to choose this season to slow down might cause a few complications. Nevertheless, I am confident in my decision. Therefore, going forward, get ready to hear the word "no" come out of my mouth. I plan on making a conscious effort to limit myself to just a few commitments and not allow my proclivity to be a people pleaser to mess with my head. My hope is that rather than spreading myself around thinly, I will lay it on thick in the areas of involvement I retain. 

Included in this slow down will be to quiet down. I talk so much and so often that I am starting to get sick of the sound of my own voice. I am going to take some time to rest, refocus, refuel and listen for awhile. I have begun this process before writing this and so far it feels excellent, looks marvelous and sounds delightful.

The War Inside

In the past six months or so, I have been bombarded with attacks of entitlement, selfishness and judgement. Regardless of who I am speaking with, one of these subjects tends to show its face. People of the older generation speak of a younger generation that has been given a cushy life filled with technology. I hear over and over how kids don't have to learn skills such as writing and reading cursive, calculating without a calculator or simply earning privileges such as cell phones, vehicles and entertainment. It's true, my sons have not had to be educated in the ways that my generation has been educated. Just as my generation did not have to be educated in how to hook up a horse to a buggy or milk a cow or collect the eggs from the chicken coup. These changes are a circumstance of progress not entitlement. 

However, I will stand and say with a strong voice that entitlement is a problem for me. I caught myself struggling with it yesterday. I truly felt in my heart that I had the right to manipulate a situation to unjustly suit my needs. I failed in my attempt and guess what, I'm disappointed. Even though I see why it's not right for me to get my way, I still feel entitled to it. Recently, I had a conversation with a great giver. This person goes out of their way to serve others and works really hard to make things easier for the people in their life. They do it out of the goodness of their heart but still they expressed how unappreciated they feel sometimes. Why can't other people treat them the way they treat other people? I don't know that answer except to say that doing for others doesn't obligate them to do for us. 

This sense of entitlement could be labeled as selfishness. During our rough patches Mike and I each considered the other one to be selfish. The truth is we were! I didn't see the sacrifices he was making to improve a terrible situation. In turn, he didn't feel appreciated or respected. He wasn't able to admit that the choices he was making were prideful and therefore negatively affecting all of his relationships. I felt entitled to more than he could provide. Neither of us were willing to switch perspectives because we felt favored to win since we were each sacrificing in our own way. 

Only looking at a situation from your own perspective leads to judgement. I am extremely judgmental! It is really easy for me to look at someone and think I know everything about them. WRONG! I don't even know everything about those closest to me or myself.  How can I be so superficial that I don't give someone the benefit of the doubt and set aside my discrimination? I constantly battle feelings of bitterness and resentment caused by not keeping my opinions in check. 

Ways to combat entitlement, selfishness and judgement is the subject that I am hoping to address with this post. As I wrote earlier, this is something that I have been undertaking consciously for a while but subconsciously my entire life. I don't see a magic cure where one day I will be free of these feelings. I see myself as a work in progress with a step backward for every step or two I move forward. Taking that into consideration, my hope is to continue making progress and to help others think about how they feel about themselves in this area. 

We are all given our own unique talents, experiences and temperament therefore each of us is in our own place in our personal growth. Something that is easy for me to overcome may not be so easy for another person. Remembering to remain humble in my victories and to extend grace and forgiveness goes a long way to overcoming entitlement, selfishness and judgement. Humility reminds me that not that long ago I was a completely lost. I was addicted to a computer game, I was not interested in cultivating my marriage and I thought I was entitled to have as much fun as I wanted because I deserved it. PFFT! I deserved a big smack in the head. By taking the leap to make it a point to serve others, make my marriage a priority (I still have a long way to go in this area) and realizing that I could have fun within certain boundaries allowed me to kick my addiction, renew my marriage and begin putting my health above eating and drinking to excess. 

None of this would have been possible without God's help. My new life radiates through every aspect of my being. It is completely overwhelming at times and frightening to experience but I am happier than I have ever been. I believe that my life has purpose and that I am finally honorable. I have so much further to go and I plan on staying on this path to the end. Even though I am dedicated, I am constantly knocked off balance and I am forced to scramble to get back on my feet. I am blessed with an amazing community and a loving husband who help me each time I teeter. Without the truth that they speak into my life I would be back wandering aimlessly in no time. I am forever grateful for the platoon of warriors fighting along side me in spiritual warfare. Together we will win every last battle and the war. 

The Spirit Within

 This summer I spent time studying the books of Luke and Galatians. I have read those books before but had not studied them. I met periodically with a friend and we discussed our thoughts regarding the assigned chapters but mostly we talked about our lives. It helped me tremendously to hear another person's perspective. We decided before we started that the basis of our study would be "Who is Jesus?" More importantly, "Who is Jesus in us?" The complete answer to those questions did not get answered but I got a better understanding of both. 

I think of Jesus as the Messiah, the greatest healer and teacher of all time, the only perfect human to ever live, and God in the flesh. He was born a human, grew up learning traditions, learning scripture, felt human emotion, overcame temptation, faced persecution, he was killed despite his innocence, and rose again to fulfill a plan that began millennium before he was born. The people of the time thought he was there to lead a political revolution. He would be the new King of Israel, hence delivering the Jews from slavery. The metaphor that we take for granted was lost on them. The night before his arrest, Jesus warned them that he would be leaving soon. They insisted they would always stay by his side. They would die for the cause. They even drew swords to ward off his arrest, cutting off the ear of one of the soldiers sent to capture Jesus. The way Jesus reacted amazes me! He rebukes his followers to put down their swords and heals the wounded man. His disciples must have thought, "What?! I thought we were going to fight for our freedom." Jesus is taken and his followers scatter out of fear. Now Jesus is alone, about to be abused, ridiculed and put to death. So of course, he speaks a profound speech that will be remembered for generations, protesting his innocence and inspiring a great revolt. Wait, no, that is not what he did. He barely responds to the false accusations against him. He submits, takes the ridicule, and dies a vicious, horrible death. 

That human who lived that way and died in that manner, he is the spirit that lives in us. He has felt all the pain we have felt and worse. He faced temptation when he was hungry and overcame it. He felt anguish and fear. He sweat blood he was so anxious. Have you ever sweat blood? Moments later he was able to control his emotions and reacted in love to heal one of the men who were about to do unbelievable harm to him. That is the spirit within us. The one I try to connect to when I am facing difficulty. I continue to fail over and over but I am reassured that as long as I keep trying and put my faith in him, it isn't a waste. Galatians talks about the fruit of the spirit being love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. My hope is that spirit within will flourish and grow to a great harvest.