Choices

I had a lot of time to think on my drive home from Appleton today. It's Sunday and normally I attend church, but of course today I didn't, so I chose to listen to some Christian music for the first part of my drive. I felt great and I must have looked ridiculous singing and worshiping in the car. Oh well, who cares right? No shame in it. Shame is a very powerful emotion. It is the emotion that drove me to choose to have an abortion when I was 19. 


As far as I know, no one in my family knows I made this choice or even that I got pregnant. It is one of the biggest secrets I ever kept from my family. I had dropped out of college and was working at Domino's. Todd, my long time boyfriend and I were pretty much not together any more but we had some unprotected rebound sex and sure enough, I got pregnant. I told Todd and we discussed our options. Neither one of us wanted to marry each other. Neither one of us wanted to have the baby. I was too ashamed to tell my family, so adoption was out. It was really easy for us to come to the decision to end the pregnancy. Todd accompanied me to the appointment and took care of me for my recovery after the procedure. I remember walking into the clinic and there were protesters outside. They asked me how I could ruin this child's life and my response was "Why should I ruin three people's lives.?" At the time and for a long time after it, I was proud of that come back. 


Now 23 years later, I have replaced my shame with guilt. I think of how I killed someone because I was too afraid to disappoint my dad. I think of how right now there could be a wonderful 22 year old out there living a life. I think about the couple that never was able to have a baby because of my choice. I always used to justify my choice with the thought that I wouldn't be where I am today without it. I probably wouldn't be married to Mike. I probably wouldn't have Frank and Mike. I might not have such a close relationship with some of my friends and family. Then I think about the other people I know in my life that were in the same position as me and the choices they made. My step sister gave up her baby from her teenage pregnancy for adoption and now she has a beautiful, grown up daughter and two granddaughters. My sisters chose to keep their babies and married the fathers. They had some obstacles because of it, but they each have wonderful sons and happy marriages. I think of a couple of my friends that chose to go the single mother route and the difficulties they face but how much they love their children. Sure they have to sacrifice in ways that I haven't, but they also get rewards I will never know.


So why share this now? That takes me back to my drive back from Appleton. I was thinking about what my next topic would be and this came in my head. I wanted to share this now before my boys and their friends may be faced with the same choice. I want them all to know that regardless of which choice they make, there will be negative feelings to deal with for the rest of their lives. I want them to know that the choice to give up the baby for adoption or to keep it can work out. I also want to be able to let go of this secret that haunts me. To my family, I am sorry I was too afraid to share this with you before now. That was another choice I had to make and for which I am willing to face the consequence. I am just trying to make some good come from something bad.